When I get comfortable.....

There has been a lot of newness in my life as of late and no matter how resistant I am to change, especially for not seeing it at the moment, it always seems to change my life for the better. In my volunteer work; members of my group have asked me to step up my involvement as they think I have a lot of experience to offer and should take up more of a vocal and active role, and deep down inside I know they're right, except "I'm comfortable" where I'm at.........This upcoming Chinese New Years Lion Dance is another place I feel "comfortable"; I'd climb into the tail of the Lion, knowing what I need to know, doing what I need to do, so I'm good to go, right?.......then things changed, "I was stuck in the head position"!!!!,yikes, well, now I have to relearn a totally new dance, a new pattern, new moves and I soooo wasn't expecting this! With my employment a few of my superiors have been hinting around at me moving into more of a leadership role in certain aspects of my position with the company, but I'm resistant, because "I'm comfortable" where I am, I know the drill, I know what I need to do and I go and get it done. But, you know what, "comfortable" is BORING, when I really take a look at it, it really chokes me off from who I really want to be and where I want to go with everything I'm involved in. But if I really think about it, lying to myself and saying it's all "ok" is one thing, living the lie is another. Sometimes I wonder if  God is up in heaven, looking down and says, "Hey Moses, come here for a second, look, look down there, it's Robert, watch this",......and you get the picture. When I become "comfortable" life/work/people/my classmates/instructors get in my way and make me "uncomfortable" so I can grow, especially when I'm ready, but really don't think so. Robert.

Time flies when you make bad choices

Where did the week go; I was going to blog Monday, but work kept me out past my "enough" time (time where I've decided that after 5:30 it's time to call it a day at work). Tuesday I was going to blog, but it was another crash and burn day as far as machines breaking down in the cold went. Wednesday was full as I went out with one of my classmates to have a really good "politically incorrect" long awaited where we're at cut to the core discussion after class, Thursday was another work late day finishing off at 10 at the gym and through all that, I knew I couldn't run away from an inspiring comment I heard in one of the classes this week. Sifu Brinker had mentioned "that no one has ever made him mad" he has only "chosen" to get mad after someone does something. That really stuck with me as I thought of all the times I've had mental meltdowns, acted out, hurt someone, hurt someone also by "doing nothing", using sarcasm (the ability to tear flesh with words???) and applied it to this last year, but most of all "how can I make it different for this upcoming year"? I've already started doing things different, as I've learned many times "when I do different things, different results happen", imagine that. When I take a look at my anger/reaction pattern/fears certain things have to happen. Now, I can go up three hat sizes in less than a second when someone does something that I perceive as wrong, but 4 basic things have to happen, 1)Provocation; something has to happen, 2) Arousal; I realize something has happened, 3) Assessment; I analyze what's happened, and the last one that really causes the "stuff" to let loose is 4) Action; where I do something about whatever. The #4 is where I usually end up in all sorts of scenarios from imploding and staying pi**ed off for a month or reacting in a physical manner. So it comes down to pretty much everything good and bad, getting things done or not done comes down to the common denominator of  "my choices". I've  been looking a lot at the painting of Travis' and the lion on the Kwoon wall the last while (wondering where he'd be at in his training) and keep asking myself, with a lot of self reflection,; the thoughts of "Tell me your best reason for not being here, tell me about your bad day, tell me why you can't" and if it is better than the reason in the painting, I might think about it.  Pressing on and pushing forward, searching for the "repeatability", Robert.

Doesn't anyone else want to be a black belt?

I've been watching and thinking about this for a while; I'm surrounded my so much skill, wisdom and goodness that it scares me to think about how much I don't know. In tonights Sihing class we were reminded of  just how much further we need to go before we can take that next step called "Grading". It's scary how my kicks are in so much need of repair, my cardio is coming but it isn't where it needs to be. But this is just a small part of what I've noticed as of late as I'm wondering "if I have such a long way to go" what about the others? In my fitness class the numbers are getting smaller to where I was the only student last class. It scares me to think where I would be without the conditioning I've been getting there over the years and I still have such a long way to go. In my Tai Chi class the number of students is small and when I think of it, I can't fathom the number of times I have corrected a form, aligned and lowered my stances, helped someone else work on theirs, more times than I care to admit felt something wrong and used a "Tai Chi repair" to fix it or at the end of class realized what a workout it actually it is. I also am overwhelmed by how much I need to relearn by attending the beginner, advanced and intermediate classes as I have forgotten so much while learning so much else. In my San Shou class there I was again; "the only student" one more time. Now don't get me wrong, having 5 black belts (from first to third degree) there just for me really boosts my ego but I can also feel the emptiness of what my classmates are missing. What culminated all of my observations and thoughts was when Sifu Brinker looked out into the near empty Kwoon this week and not only did I see the look in his face I think I absolutely felt what he was looking at. I know life and responsibility can get in the way, but after tanking hard this summer, not reaching out and seeing how far it caused me to fall behind and the scary feeling of what I was missing, something deep inside ignited and now there's a "something" telling me from the bottom of my gut to just "press on". All these things I've been worrying or perhaps am fearful of , not knowing the results of the upcoming year seem to crumble as I recite a few lines from a Garth Brooks song...........
                                                  "For just one fleeting moment,
                                                    the answer seemed so clear,
                                                    Heaven's not beyond the clouds,
                                                    it's just beyond the fear"......  

Hopefully I can keep carrying myself in such a manner that I can impress upon someone else how much extra there is available here. I know a Black Belt is not the end of the journey, perhaps it's similar to my mechanics license, "it's a certificate to additional life long learning". Any one else want to come along for the ride? Robert.

A good but quiet week

This week finished off with a cooking class at Sorrentinos Restaurant. It would all be pretty simple to say "I took a cooking class" and that would be it, but what I have been really looking for the last while is to get back to healthier eating. I'm a great cook, I love to eat and eat well, my meals are for sure "Manly Man type" meals with a ton of meat, huge vegetable portions, and usually preceded with an appetizer of some sort, but, I've come to notice as of late I'm not in the kitchen and more finding I'm trying to convince myself that the "grab and go" meals I'm finding on the road are a healthy substitute. I'm also starting to wonder if some of  the roller coaster ride health issues that are appearing as of late  could be related .  The bigger picture is my plan of what I want to do over this next year and the follow through on how to get there. I've started off by getting a cleaning lady to come in once a week; this has caused me huge grief as no-one can clean as well as I do, but it is the time factor that I need to free up and plus, "I'm cheap". I've talked to a few guys and they said hiring a cleaning person is the best decision they could have ever made and wouldn't ever not have one, so maybe I'm on to something here. So back to he food plan; it's to make several meals, freeze/store them and pull them out when necessary. With winter here and the yard work coming to a standstill this would be a great transition time to get all this started. After the finishing the cooking class I realized how simple it will be to do this and how simple it is to creat healthy/nutritious/tasteful meals and how easy it was to have let my healthy eating habits go. Robert.

Time to untie two knots

Knot (1)
I had been holding something inside for the last "too many months" and as much as you think you can keep something inside you and you may think it won't affect some things you do, if it's something small, your thoughts will make it grow large enough you aren't going to keep it down forever.  Although it was just words, as much as I thought i could handle it, there came a point where they consumed me, I woke up they were there, they were there during my day, they were there when I crawled into bed at night, if  I woke up during the night, they were there, the only time they weren't there was during training; when I was so busy my thoughts couldn't catch me. Then came a point where I realized how I was being affected by carrying this hurt and resentment and it was time to let it go. Because this was a huge knot in my gut, hugely personal, I had to find someone I trusted, respected and I knew had a lot of wisdom, I finally pulled one of my classmates aside and said "I needed to talk". After class in the parking lot (where some of my biggest growth has occurred) I was able to let it go, as I simply needed a woman's opinion, no B.S., just someone who knows all about me and still cares...........There it was, gone, the 100lb knot was gone and it felt as if I could breathe again.

Onto the next knot.
One of my closest female friends said to me once, "You do well at so many things, but when it comes to relationships, you suck the most of anyone I know"!! I still remember the moment, because we both laughed so hard, you can't "not love" someone with that much honesty. So here I am this last week thinking about a situation that may come up (in my mind) with the person I am involved with that I felt I needed to address. Now as being as honest as I can, most of my dating and people skills resemble "Taking Hostages" followed by something resembling a military "Search and Destroy Mission", instead of nurturing, caring, honesty, growing and the like. I though about it for a few days, remembered how carrying the last few months frustrations had destroyed me and I knew I had to utter those words "We have to talk",......YIKES!!! I don't do this stuff well, usually it's someone else who says that to me and it's never good. My history indicates I'm the type that will stuff, deflect, ignore, make excuses, run, blame, to avoid mature big people conversations. I wasn't sure how to address this, so I put my thoughts in a simple e-mail earlier in the day and  as much as I knew I couldn't retract it once I hit "send" as it would be gone into cyber space forever. There was tension in the air on date night but when we had some time alone we sat and talked. I had knew there would be no guaranties, no predicted outcomes, not sure if we would continue, but without me sharing "I" couldn't continue.  Was it uncomfortable, yes, but I was able to keep with 3 things; is it honest, is it necessary and will it leave the other persons dignity intact? I kept with "my part" of this and it all in all turned out with what I needed to talk about out in the open between us. So as I sit here in Starbucks with all the people who look like they're problem free, my gut, my head and my thoughts are calm. I couldn't have walked through this in the manner I did, without the people skills and confidence I have learned from the change room, on the mats and to the parking lot. I think if all you learn here is Kung-fu you've missed something. Robert.

I've had a busy fall and then some....

I'm not sure I can tie the last few weeks into a story, so I'll just make a list.

A former neighbour from our past farming community called and needed some work done on one of his grain hauling trucks; it would be a repair that if you didn't have my trade and dealership experience, you could cause severe internal engine damage as there are a few procedures that need to be done and plus I knew what to look for once the symptoms were explained. I spent a late night on a Sunday, just doing what I do. The unique part about this was that being a former farm boy, the atmosphere, the smells, the feedlot full of  yearling bulls across the fence watching me took me back to a part of my life I truly enjoyed. A couple days later he phoned and wanted to know what "he owed me"? I took in a bit of a deep breath and said, "You remember 22 years ago, you came by with a combine and helped me out when my dad was dying........I haven't forgotten that day, I needed help the most and probably deserved it the least, I've been waiting to pay it back somehow, I haven't forgotten that". Now, this man has more money and wealth than I could probably describe, he could probably afford it, but that doesn't matter, I was able to give back somewhat what was so freely given to me.

Continuing along with the mechanic stuff, I get a call from my "ex" father in law, similar circumstance, a repair he can't access, as the computerized electronics can only be accessed by specialty tooling which I have. That was strange, an even stranger feeling driving to a place where I'm sure there was a 12 gauge at one time with my name on it, I went to his shop, did what I do and after the diagnosis we're all standing around and there was this awkward silence, I love those moments, and since I couldn't let it go, in a voice slightly cockier than  normal, I blurt out, "WHO'DA THOUGHT"!!!!! We all had a good laugh; from those days of lawyers, police, restraining orders, examination for discoveries, resentments, arguments (who me, yes,  no really, I can explain). When it came time for the money part, I let it go,........."you're helping my boys with their mechanical stuff, lets just pay it forward". Sometimes you give of yourself, you just may not to choose who it is; not sure where the ripple effect of this will go, but it felt ok driving away that night.

Finishing off with more wrenching; I was able to help my girl friends 17 year old do his first oil change on his new to him truck. Spending the hour with,......with,......, I'm trying to describe a 17 year old boy here,.....so you get the picture. It was funny and yet painful; f-bomb this, f-bomb that, blah, blah, blah. Then it came time to Kung-fu him; I unloaded the "Praise, correct, praise" style of teaching I have been so freely given as I realized he wants to learn. He initially was working with his grandfather and I just stayed out of  earshot just enough to know when to step in. When the right wrench needed to be used, I passed it over to them; when the proper drain tools needed to be used I explained he might want to use this and that and why. Don't get me wrong there were still moments where I quietly thought "65 million sperm and you were the quickest, Yikes"!!! I guess for me the lesson here was in patience, there have been several times in the last few years where I wanted to throttle this kid (and he more so probably deserved it), but I ran my frustrations past my classmates,  certain Sifu's and managed to carry myself somewhat better than if I had unleashed my anger at the moment.

So all in all, I got to thinking that I may not know what to do right away, even if it takes 20 years or more, I can hopefully do the right thing and pay it forward. Robert.

It's been a while

I best as I can describe I hit the wall during the summer; everything seemed to be overwhelming to where just simple little things took on gigantic proportions of their own. I spoke with a lot of people who I think at times understand me more than I understand myself and I thought it would be good to take off for a few days. I found motorcycle convention in Nakusp B.C., took 10 days off work, packed my one motorcycle and left and left everything familiar. It was an informative 4 days as it was all about long distance and worldwide motorcycle travel and travellers themselves, plus I found answers to all those questions floating around inside that were rolling around with all the rest of the turmoil. After that i headed out for a couple more days so I could make it back at the end of the long weekend. During this time I sat down, collected my thoughts and kept asking myself perhaps not in the exact words, "Where am I, what am I doing" with the added thoughts of "but how will I get there". I took time to rest,, to sleep, to take naps during the day; I just looked after me, even though it has been pointed out I don't do that enough or very well. I made it back home and couldn't wait to get back to class; my first morning back at work I had a local job and thought "My plans are really coming together" and looked forward to being back at the Kwoon that evening........somehow things changed and I found myself checking into my hotel in Hinton at 11:00 that night booking a room for 10 days, having that moment of, "so much for that plan". Oh well, it's work and this sometimes happens. I put in the necessary hours and days to finish the job and made 'er back. Yesterday morning  I packed my training gear, packed in the truck and thought "Ahh, Monday's classes,I couldn't wait. I looked at the clock and yes I could make it on time! My tools were packed, the problem solved and as I start wrapping up the machine...."CLUNK", "OUCH", (insert your favourite cuss words here as I said a few) I caught my head on a piece of protruding steel and thought "youve got to be kidding me!". I took a look in the rear view mirror of my truck and found a good gouge in the leather, so there it was one more time, with a change of plans. Anyway, 5 stitches and 4 hours later, I crawled into bed  thinking I'll try again tomorrow. Anyway, taking a step back, taking some time away has given me a stronger focus of where I want to go. Robert.

Just a couple of good points

This was a good week to sit back and take stock of  a few things; the July 1st demo was an inspiring event for me. I'm not a literal learner where something can be explained, or read about then have it memorized or know the meaning behind it but I'm more of a visual type learner that has to see it done  or play with it a few times before I can get it down pat. Watching the demo gave me the inspiration to know what i would like or have to do for the next public performance.
   I sat dow with a few friends at my support group this week and talked about the busyness in my head and there was a few of my friends who've shared that this has happened to them at times and I just need to take some time and calm it all down; figure out what's  important, what needs to get done now and what can be done next and it will all work out., it will just take a little bit of time and some different effort.
  Just taking a different perspective on things has lightened the mental load and given me time to one at a time to get things done around the house, yard, at work and with people in and around my life is starting to settle down. Robert.  

Baby steps

I've been really struggling this last week with my reading and memory; I just get the first sentence of "Mastery" memorized then start on the second one and then the two become intertwined and that's when the "self arguements" start. If it wasn't so frustrating it would be actually quite funny, but I'm in the struggle mode and it's a trudge at best; "For Christ sakes, it's two lines, how difficult can this be, to you can do this, then I shake my head and wonder who I'm talking to"!" Well if it isn't happening it isn't happening; I've taken several suggestions from writing it out daily to now reciting it with a voice recorder as I drive and when the opportunity presents itself to re-read the script when I can. For what ever reason I'm not retaining this right now, it will pass, sharing this last week took the knot out of my stomach and has made it a lot easier, soit won't be a run through as I'd like it to be, it will have to be baby steps for now. Robert.

Glad to be back

My work sometimes takes me out of town every now and again and his past month took me to a site where there was a huge job to be done; in the mountains, at and above the tree line, with no cell service or internet :( I put in 350 hours for the month of May and it took its toll by the time the work was completed. Initially I had figured it was an 8 week job, but I wasn't about to spend that amount of time away if I could help it. I dove into the work with a "torpedoes be damned" attitude and went as hard as possible to get the job finished. It was leave the hotel at 6, grab groceries, to the site, then back to my room at 10. When I'm on the road I try to avoid restaurant food as much as possible and in the 5 1/2 weeks I was gone I managed to eat in a restaurant only once. I carry with me an electric fry pan and an electric grill; I think I have become a master in mobile healthy cooking as I always gather a small crowd when I fire up the fixins'. As the job went on my Kung-fu started to suffer, I started to compensate the tiredness with over eating (something I always struggle with at the best of times), my temper started to get a little bit shorter each and every day, I started to have conversations and arguments with people who weren't there, but once I saw them again they would be in for a good going over and on and on.... Now that the job has finished it has taken a while to get back into my rhythm, sleep and eating habits and most importantly to restart my training. It's all starting to fall into place again from the fitness to the pushups and being able to be in a Lion Dance it has shown me where I'm at and need to rise up again to. Long story short, as I pull off my sweat soaked uniform, it feels good to be back, Robert.

Whah, whah whah.......

Last week was a write off, I hurt my back, groin and hip by doing a lift I shouldn't have done; I lifted a 170lb pin from a machine whilst standing at a hugely awkward angle, but I though I could get away with it one more time. My justification was to get this part of the job done before whiners and cry babies came back on shift and would turn it into a bitchfest as I'm the private contractor on site and I didn't want the hassle. After filling out the WCB reports and heading off to the Dr.s office it will be a week of stretching, lighter duties and paying more attention to what a person of my age should be doing; I'm still trying to keep up with the young guys and am not ready to move into the old guy crowd just yet. I wasn't able to do one pushup or a sit up; all I managed to do was adjust my work load and stances to get me though the day and sleep with pillows propping me up in my hotel room until the pain subsided. The physician I saw commented that I didn't tear anything but severely disturbed the ligaments and muscle groups in my lower abdomen and hip area, but luckily I'm in reasonably good condition and got away with it this time, but perhaps next time you won't be so lucky (I guess all the push up and sit ups proved their worth). I've already figured out a "Plan B" to get everything back together without doing the same lifting procedure, but still, I'm just not ready to tap out just yet as it still fun to run with the young dogs, Robert.

Thank you Mr. Jaroka

When I was a little guy in Cub Scouts my leaders name was Fred Jaroka, that was many years ago........ So, 45 years later,....... At Saturdays open training a young student asked me to observe his stick form, at first I was taken aback because his voice was so was so quiet I has to re-ask what he said, as I was unsure of what he wanted. There's a fault(?) within me where I'm always way off when I guess the Kung_fu kids ages; so I always have to take a second and ask. The reason is the kids I have met have always carried themselves at a maturity/confidence level far beyond their actual age (it seems to me anyway), his reply "I'm seven", yikes!!! Here I've been so focused on relearning and what is happening with my training that I sometimes forget what and who is around me. This young man took "me" out of the "it's all about me now" state I was in and I had to bring myself to share as much as I knew about the stick form, but having to explain it at a level of understanding where such a young man could comprehend what I was trying to say. For me the look of absolute trust in this young man rattled me to where I had to put myself in his shoes at being 7 years old. I thought of being back in the second grade and what my mindset was at the time and how the grown ups/teachers/coaches/Cub-scout leaders of that time for me patiently carried themselves in a manner that inspired me to do better and start to believe in myself. The term "Praise, correct, praise" had such a powerful feeling at that moment. We went through the form several times, I stepped back for a few minutes as the mind can only absorb so much teaching and let him practice on his own, or should I say I had to take a few minutes to compose myself as I feel so clumsy around the little ones. We ran through the form a few more times and it was time to let him practice some more on his own, then it was time for him to go, but before he left he thanked me for the help. Saying "you're welcome" wasn't the end, I also thanked him and tried to explain at a seven year old level of understanding that he helped me also, as it was a learning experience for me too. One of the things that comes to mind over that experience for me; I never would have asked anyone for anything at that age and that's one of my character defects that plagues me today, so young man, once again, thank you for the growth experience. As for Fred Jaroka, he has long since passed on, but I get it, I get it why you were there at all those Monday night Cub Scout meetings many years ago, for fun and for free, you were there for a bunch of us kids and I get it. I finished off Saturday sitting in a Corvette at the auto show, I looked at the price tag of the model I wanted and envisioned myself cutting the cheque and driving down a road somewhere this summer, a nice thought, but it still didn't feel as good as bumping down the road in my little red Volkswagen after Saturday's class. Do the gifts here ever stop coming?

Woodwork Angels

This has been a frustrating week, what to say when you don't know what to ask or more so segmenting the items into a list instead of everything being mixed up and not knowing where to start. It feels as if everything is coming at me all at once and I'm not sure what to do about it. So when in doubt take a deep breath, slow down and "ask". I was having trouble turning the obstacles into opportunities, but just as the blogs title says that's when the "Woodwork Angels" started to show up; friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time, our I Ho Chuan team meeting and the stories that came out(the sharing of others is exactly where I was and couldn't find that next step on my own),job opportunities that gave me some quiet time and being presented with questions and directions that have gotten me back on track again, whew, feels good! I started out the day with a more regimented direction in spite of being out of town, but what I need and want to do comes first as it was becoming too tempting to ease up and let things just happen. It is a pretty short writing for today but a very powerful turning point.

Starting to see the results

Since starting in the diet aspect of my personal goals I'm starting to see results on a few fronts. One other factor I believe is helping are the extra push ups and situps I wouldn't normally be doing. Going without candy; my two chocolate bars per day minimum, no coffee or caffeine; extra large Starbucks with one honey followed with a Frappachino thrown in every now and again, no pop; diet Coke, Limonata, ice tea or any other soft drinks with a meal and watching the portion size of what and when I eat. Watching the sauces, dressings and those other little extras that are supposed to make the food taste better, I'm putting to the side and just finding proper preparation really makes the all the difference. Getting rid of the instant food was another one; the stuff you can grab off the shelf or out of the fridge takes a little time to get used to when it's not there and no matter how many times I look in the fridge (especially when I get a craving), it's just not there. I've started to pay more attention to the content labels on the packaging of what I throw down and was surprised at the salt and sugar content in the food I eat especially when I'm on the road. I threw out my salt shaker about 10 years ago and am surprised at how salty food can actually taste when you wouldn't expect it to. The guys get a chuckle out of me as I carry an electric grill in my service truck to cook on when I can. My jeans are fitting a little looser in the waist, but, being that I'm trying to gain the weight I lost on my motorcycle trip, I'm also gaining numbers as far as the scale goes, so it's all good. I'm starting to sleep more soundly, the highs and lows of the caffeine and sugar aren't as noticeable. A lot of it is just breaking old habits(ordering a milk with my meals doesn't feel quite right at times). But all is not perfect or perhaps it is,........I had a rush appointment to get to the other day after open training and had enough time to grab a Big Mac and fries, then, in my rear view mirror I saw "the Donahue's" car fast approaching and I knew they were going to pass me,.....as they went by, I stuck my fries between my legs, gave them my best "I'm not doing anything wrong smile and wave" then felt totally guilty about what I was doing as they drove past, busted!

Any more thoughts Einstein?

After shovelling my neighbors and my driveways one night this past week I leaned against my car, took a look around, gathered my thoughts and felt this moment of sadness that I had a hard time describing, I thought what the heck is missing? I know there's those everyday moments where things are never perfect but somethings just not fitting; even though I felt like it, I'm just too old to pack up and run away. Ok, so when in doubt, phone a buddy, someone who knows all about me, from my quirks to my qualities. We had a good talk late into the night and sometimes you just need to run your stuff past someone who'll give you some feedback to get you out of yourself. I hadn't taken the time to appreciate life, or perhaps got caught up in my busyness to look at everything as a gift; "everything is a gift, everything around you", from the smallest and simplest of things; the ability I have to make a living, the ok'ness of hearing the furnace kicking in and knowing I earned that benefit of that warmth, the food in the fridge, a place to call my own, a woman who cares for me (even though sometimes I wonder why and try to screw that up as much as I can), I could increase the list infinitely, but even the smallest of the small in life is a gift. An attitude of appreciation was eluding me. I got caught up in my own thoughts and that's such a active place of nothingness to be in. I was being selfish, I was thinking about my "plan" and how life should work out instead of giving of myself and being available. I know I'm not much, but darn it, somedays I'm all I think about.......but then again, that's when the trouble starts.

Enough

This was another week where I was out of town working from Sunday until Friday. I came to the point of "enough" as I found I wasn't treating myself very well on the balance front; my responsible eating habits went right out the window; you can have what ever you want with an expense account but there are only so many healthy choices one can have when you don't have the abilty to cook a proper meal and when you get into your hotel room late at night. You can have steak with all the fixins' every day but that gets old real fast if you think about it. Once back at the kwoon on Saturday I started resetting the damage; after Tai Chi, fitness and a swim with Sihings Krebs and Langner things started to fall back into place. Then I was back in my kitchen after a big grocery run and cooked a meal that my nutitional guru (Ms.Donahue) would have been proud of; even though I was waaaaayyyyyy late for "date night", it was well worth it. I'm not sure what road food does to a person but my knees were swollen for the week which made adapting to my work ergonomics difficult and the thoughts of "why am I doing this" kept me having a constant conversation with my self most days. On the meditation and prayer front, I found I wasn't grounded to be calm and collected in my thoughts and daily dealings with people; I let my work get the best of me as I came up against a problem that I had to have the factory engineers invloved in and their response was, "good luck, let us know what you find"! What initially started to be a single mechanical problem turned out to be 5 different repairs,then I managed to settle things down, but still, I found it hard to be efficient and kind to others when the garden hose sized vein in my forehead took me up to what seemed to be about three hat sizes and even though trying to take in a deep breaths when the barrage of salesmen, customers, mechanics, tech support staff and engineers were all taking turns at asking throughout the week as to how the job was going. I guess looking back over the week I let myself get too tired, ate poorly, I wasn't taking time throughout the day to reset and although these individually don't sound like much, all put together there were some frustrating moments. I'm not sure where work will take me this week, but looking back at the damage path, all I can say is "enough", take care of yourself a bit better. Robert.

This one flew by

The week started off with me finally being able to breathe; I couldn't fathom just how everything was affected by not being able to take in a full breath of air. Once I had my breathing back (almost as if I had never had an issue) things took off again and is was time to play catch up. My pushups came back, my sit ups came back and in fitness class I was able to make it through and give it as much as I possibly could. Between all that was work (overnight and out of town) but I managed to make the most of it by finding a pool, a gym with enough space to do my forms, and balancing my workload to make it back to class. The key word for this stage of my perseverence is "balance", especially where work is concerned; finding out how many work hours I need to do vs. how much my ego wants and watching how it affects my progress. Since finding out really how much free time I can find in the cracks and crevices of the day, it's really not that hard to get my commitments done. But then again here it is, late Sunday night, in another hotel room, an ice pack on my knee, wondering where the week went, yet ready to start all over again tomorrow.

All Quiet on the Western Front

This week I thought I was starting to feel better, then whatever secondary bug was hiding came back and I'm on round two of antibiotics and am starting to get some breathing back, hoping this round of drugs works. My numbers for pushups and sit ups aren't where I would like them to be, but I'm managing to keep up with all my other requirements and numbers. I spent the latter part of the week and weekend working in a remote mountain location; no internet, no phone service, no healthy people to converse with and by Sunday night I felt trapped by my own thoughts; my methodical daily routines were interrupted with no one to vent to and that's never healthy for me. But, all wasn't lost, I managed to get together with a close group of friends and we were able to talk about getting out of ones self, basically staying out of our own headspace. I'll be working local for this week and will be able to get back into my routine,just glad this week is over. Robert.

"Scars" are "Tattoo's with a better story.

As I'm into week two of my I Ho Chuan requirements I'm finding the openings in my timeframe of how to fit in my forms, pushups, sit ups, plus my additional requirements; whether it be first thing out of bed in the morning, continuing when I have a moment at work during lunch or coffee break and/or throughout the day, it seems to be a combination of timing mixed with moments of availability. One of my requirements is to go swimming once a week and this is made more interesting since I don't know how to swim. Being that it's a small world, Sifu Leitz sister is a lifeguard at the pool and during my imitation of the Titanic's last moments, she asked "how was I doing"? Cough, sputter, gurgle, "I'm trying to figure out this swimming thing"!!! She said, "At least your floating, that's a start" and yes it was, lets start with the floating and get the breathing, the balance and the movements as time goes by. After a couple of trips down the water slide and a soak in the hot pool it was time to go. In the change room I started talking with a young man next to me and I couldn't help but notice the scars across his abdomen and chest; they were huge and ran the full width of his body and there was still a waterproof covering with a tube still in his chest, wow. Well, me being me I had to ask. He said that he was born with a defect in his intestines that they had formed into each other and the only way to repair it at the time was to remove the whole lower intestine and since he's unable to digest food he is fed through a tube. At the time they said he wasn't supposed to make a year so they did what they felt necessary and here he was 23 years later! "You sure showed them" didn't you (and I think in the back of my mind I visualized giving the Grim Reaper the finger)!! He said not many people knew of his condition as he didn't let this stop him in any way with the things he wanted to do in his life. He talked about in the near future getting a transplant and getting to eat real food like everyone else. We shook hands, introduced ourselves and wished each other well in whatever lay ahead for each of us, wow what a story!! As I finished off my night at Famoso with an appetizer followed by soup and a sandwich I savoured every bite. I looked up at the big screen televisions and saw some MMA advertising and thought "whatever", tonight, I think I met "a real fighter". Robert.