Knot (1)
I had been holding something inside for the last "too many months" and as much as you think you can keep something inside you and you may think it won't affect some things you do, if it's something small, your thoughts will make it grow large enough you aren't going to keep it down forever. Although it was just words, as much as I thought i could handle it, there came a point where they consumed me, I woke up they were there, they were there during my day, they were there when I crawled into bed at night, if I woke up during the night, they were there, the only time they weren't there was during training; when I was so busy my thoughts couldn't catch me. Then came a point where I realized how I was being affected by carrying this hurt and resentment and it was time to let it go. Because this was a huge knot in my gut, hugely personal, I had to find someone I trusted, respected and I knew had a lot of wisdom, I finally pulled one of my classmates aside and said "I needed to talk". After class in the parking lot (where some of my biggest growth has occurred) I was able to let it go, as I simply needed a woman's opinion, no B.S., just someone who knows all about me and still cares...........There it was, gone, the 100lb knot was gone and it felt as if I could breathe again.
Onto the next knot.
One of my closest female friends said to me once, "You do well at so many things, but when it comes to relationships, you suck the most of anyone I know"!! I still remember the moment, because we both laughed so hard, you can't "not love" someone with that much honesty. So here I am this last week thinking about a situation that may come up (in my mind) with the person I am involved with that I felt I needed to address. Now as being as honest as I can, most of my dating and people skills resemble "Taking Hostages" followed by something resembling a military "Search and Destroy Mission", instead of nurturing, caring, honesty, growing and the like. I though about it for a few days, remembered how carrying the last few months frustrations had destroyed me and I knew I had to utter those words "We have to talk",......YIKES!!! I don't do this stuff well, usually it's someone else who says that to me and it's never good. My history indicates I'm the type that will stuff, deflect, ignore, make excuses, run, blame, to avoid mature big people conversations. I wasn't sure how to address this, so I put my thoughts in a simple e-mail earlier in the day and as much as I knew I couldn't retract it once I hit "send" as it would be gone into cyber space forever. There was tension in the air on date night but when we had some time alone we sat and talked. I had knew there would be no guaranties, no predicted outcomes, not sure if we would continue, but without me sharing "I" couldn't continue. Was it uncomfortable, yes, but I was able to keep with 3 things; is it honest, is it necessary and will it leave the other persons dignity intact? I kept with "my part" of this and it all in all turned out with what I needed to talk about out in the open between us. So as I sit here in Starbucks with all the people who look like they're problem free, my gut, my head and my thoughts are calm. I couldn't have walked through this in the manner I did, without the people skills and confidence I have learned from the change room, on the mats and to the parking lot. I think if all you learn here is Kung-fu you've missed something. Robert.
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