Doesn't anyone else want to be a black belt?

I've been watching and thinking about this for a while; I'm surrounded my so much skill, wisdom and goodness that it scares me to think about how much I don't know. In tonights Sihing class we were reminded of  just how much further we need to go before we can take that next step called "Grading". It's scary how my kicks are in so much need of repair, my cardio is coming but it isn't where it needs to be. But this is just a small part of what I've noticed as of late as I'm wondering "if I have such a long way to go" what about the others? In my fitness class the numbers are getting smaller to where I was the only student last class. It scares me to think where I would be without the conditioning I've been getting there over the years and I still have such a long way to go. In my Tai Chi class the number of students is small and when I think of it, I can't fathom the number of times I have corrected a form, aligned and lowered my stances, helped someone else work on theirs, more times than I care to admit felt something wrong and used a "Tai Chi repair" to fix it or at the end of class realized what a workout it actually it is. I also am overwhelmed by how much I need to relearn by attending the beginner, advanced and intermediate classes as I have forgotten so much while learning so much else. In my San Shou class there I was again; "the only student" one more time. Now don't get me wrong, having 5 black belts (from first to third degree) there just for me really boosts my ego but I can also feel the emptiness of what my classmates are missing. What culminated all of my observations and thoughts was when Sifu Brinker looked out into the near empty Kwoon this week and not only did I see the look in his face I think I absolutely felt what he was looking at. I know life and responsibility can get in the way, but after tanking hard this summer, not reaching out and seeing how far it caused me to fall behind and the scary feeling of what I was missing, something deep inside ignited and now there's a "something" telling me from the bottom of my gut to just "press on". All these things I've been worrying or perhaps am fearful of , not knowing the results of the upcoming year seem to crumble as I recite a few lines from a Garth Brooks song...........
                                                  "For just one fleeting moment,
                                                    the answer seemed so clear,
                                                    Heaven's not beyond the clouds,
                                                    it's just beyond the fear"......  

Hopefully I can keep carrying myself in such a manner that I can impress upon someone else how much extra there is available here. I know a Black Belt is not the end of the journey, perhaps it's similar to my mechanics license, "it's a certificate to additional life long learning". Any one else want to come along for the ride? Robert.

A good but quiet week

This week finished off with a cooking class at Sorrentinos Restaurant. It would all be pretty simple to say "I took a cooking class" and that would be it, but what I have been really looking for the last while is to get back to healthier eating. I'm a great cook, I love to eat and eat well, my meals are for sure "Manly Man type" meals with a ton of meat, huge vegetable portions, and usually preceded with an appetizer of some sort, but, I've come to notice as of late I'm not in the kitchen and more finding I'm trying to convince myself that the "grab and go" meals I'm finding on the road are a healthy substitute. I'm also starting to wonder if some of  the roller coaster ride health issues that are appearing as of late  could be related .  The bigger picture is my plan of what I want to do over this next year and the follow through on how to get there. I've started off by getting a cleaning lady to come in once a week; this has caused me huge grief as no-one can clean as well as I do, but it is the time factor that I need to free up and plus, "I'm cheap". I've talked to a few guys and they said hiring a cleaning person is the best decision they could have ever made and wouldn't ever not have one, so maybe I'm on to something here. So back to he food plan; it's to make several meals, freeze/store them and pull them out when necessary. With winter here and the yard work coming to a standstill this would be a great transition time to get all this started. After the finishing the cooking class I realized how simple it will be to do this and how simple it is to creat healthy/nutritious/tasteful meals and how easy it was to have let my healthy eating habits go. Robert.

Time to untie two knots

Knot (1)
I had been holding something inside for the last "too many months" and as much as you think you can keep something inside you and you may think it won't affect some things you do, if it's something small, your thoughts will make it grow large enough you aren't going to keep it down forever.  Although it was just words, as much as I thought i could handle it, there came a point where they consumed me, I woke up they were there, they were there during my day, they were there when I crawled into bed at night, if  I woke up during the night, they were there, the only time they weren't there was during training; when I was so busy my thoughts couldn't catch me. Then came a point where I realized how I was being affected by carrying this hurt and resentment and it was time to let it go. Because this was a huge knot in my gut, hugely personal, I had to find someone I trusted, respected and I knew had a lot of wisdom, I finally pulled one of my classmates aside and said "I needed to talk". After class in the parking lot (where some of my biggest growth has occurred) I was able to let it go, as I simply needed a woman's opinion, no B.S., just someone who knows all about me and still cares...........There it was, gone, the 100lb knot was gone and it felt as if I could breathe again.

Onto the next knot.
One of my closest female friends said to me once, "You do well at so many things, but when it comes to relationships, you suck the most of anyone I know"!! I still remember the moment, because we both laughed so hard, you can't "not love" someone with that much honesty. So here I am this last week thinking about a situation that may come up (in my mind) with the person I am involved with that I felt I needed to address. Now as being as honest as I can, most of my dating and people skills resemble "Taking Hostages" followed by something resembling a military "Search and Destroy Mission", instead of nurturing, caring, honesty, growing and the like. I though about it for a few days, remembered how carrying the last few months frustrations had destroyed me and I knew I had to utter those words "We have to talk",......YIKES!!! I don't do this stuff well, usually it's someone else who says that to me and it's never good. My history indicates I'm the type that will stuff, deflect, ignore, make excuses, run, blame, to avoid mature big people conversations. I wasn't sure how to address this, so I put my thoughts in a simple e-mail earlier in the day and  as much as I knew I couldn't retract it once I hit "send" as it would be gone into cyber space forever. There was tension in the air on date night but when we had some time alone we sat and talked. I had knew there would be no guaranties, no predicted outcomes, not sure if we would continue, but without me sharing "I" couldn't continue.  Was it uncomfortable, yes, but I was able to keep with 3 things; is it honest, is it necessary and will it leave the other persons dignity intact? I kept with "my part" of this and it all in all turned out with what I needed to talk about out in the open between us. So as I sit here in Starbucks with all the people who look like they're problem free, my gut, my head and my thoughts are calm. I couldn't have walked through this in the manner I did, without the people skills and confidence I have learned from the change room, on the mats and to the parking lot. I think if all you learn here is Kung-fu you've missed something. Robert.