Now for something a little different

I struggle with reading, I have little trouble with the comprehension of what I've just read but, I can read something, follow along with great interest, understanding and anticipation of what's next, then if there's any interruption or distraction, I have to start all over again as I can't refocus sometimes on where the heck I was. It's sometimes funny, tragic, frustrating, but at the same time, reading the same book a year later saves me a lot of money in the long run. Part of my I Ho Chuan goals is to volunteer at the Remand Centre; it does have its interesting moments and guests, but I'm there to lend a hand, carry my experiences, past and present and not try to pass judgement as that's not part of my journey. I found myself in the volunteer section one night and during visitation I was asked to read from a collectively agreed upon book and to read a few chapters from it. Well, off we went, me reading, them listening, and in the end it was a success; reading to a group of incarcerated men, some who can't read at all, me, self conscious about my nemesis and after the night went way beyond our allotted time, there was this moment somewhere along the drive home, the most calming and grateful, "whew", I've felt in a long while. Robert

Last weeks blog that never made it through

I had a severe case of the "fu** it's" this last little while and was wondering what it is all for, does anyone but us care, does anyone really notice, who are we really trying to impress with all these push ups and sit ups and on and on. When you're in that mindset there's not a lot of positive thoughts or actions that can come out of it and when you're in it sometimes it's hard to see the negativity you're feeding off of. Then, having that perfect moment and that perfect opening in your brain, I'm not sure of all the details (and my ego would take off with it if I did know, which for me wouldn't be good) it was mentioned that there was a someone that has been watching the push ups and the sit ups we do in class and it has inspired that person to get into their own fitness regimen as a result of  what they have seen in us. It was the jolt that I needed to get out of myself, to get refocused and practice what I have preached many times, "that this isn't for us, it's for someone who is attracted to what we do and wants to take part in the journey". It made sense, got me back on track and I didn't get into any trouble that I had to make amends for during this time of being lost (behind enemy lines) in my own mind. Robert.

Crunching time

This past two weeks has been cramming for everything; from a busy work schedule, trying as well to get in all my classes, yard work( tis the season), outstanding errands, vehicle repairs, reviewingmy curriculum, emergency call outs,    .......it seems when you get some control on one or complete a chore another one is staring you in the face. The past couple of weeks though it seems as if I'm flailing, trying to get an upper hand on at least one thing before I'm overwhelmed with the next. I guess it comes down to getting done what I can, when I can. There has been some great things that have happened this past while as well, but I'm off to class for the moment.

Hmmmm, lets think about this for a second

I sometimes think the largest obstacle in my path is me combined with the thought of success. I knew I wasn't going to make it this far in my training,....ever,..... and now here I am. I think I've tried to sabotage my growth as the anticipation, the fear and the realization that this next step can happen and can happen to of all people, "me"! I have this one thought pattern or negative self talk voice that has kept saying, "this is for them, those people, you'll never attain what they have and yet here I still am. It's kind of scary, but there are so many people around me that have and are still believing in me that I figure I should start believing in myself. Lets just keep this between us and don't tell anyone, I don't want anyone to know. Well, I'm off, lets see what the week has to offer, Robert.

Stove Top Stuffing

Stuffing can be good; with Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey, sometimes even cheating with the out of the box Stove Top can be somewhat enjoyable. For myself, the word really describes very negatively of what I do more than I think is healthy. I "stuff" way to much inside or should I say I hang onto something that eats away at me for days, weeks, months and unfortunately longer. There's been a few good ones swirling around as of late and I had a simple moment of clarity again and thought why am I carrying this around? It really serves no purpose other than to weigh me down, takes over my thoughts and prevents me from appreciating the beauty in the world around me. I had a moment while where I realized "I'm full", if I don't let this stuff go, I'll explode. There's been moments where I've lost my mind over something incredibly simple, but it's not the broken shoelace, the change of the traffic light, something out of place; it's something I've stuffed way down inside and it's trying to get out and as with most pressure release valves, they aren't designed to slowly purge the system pressure, they're designed to release immediately until a safe operating pressure is restored (that can be scary when it's in human form). Coming across a situation this week where I needed to say what I needed to say, I was at my enough point and there was no room to "stuff" it anymore, with the "I can't predict the outcome, but I'll accept it" understanding, I had to let it go........Today was a much freer day all around as I caught myself not being obsessed, not having a ton of useless swirling thoughts, my insides weren't all tied up, I just appreciated what the day had to give. There's more to let go of, but that will come in time. Robert.

R and R

It's not what you think. I've really been struggling with getting "my air" as of late and when I picked up my medications the pharmacist went through the ordeal of blah, blah, blah, take this, do this and in my mind I'm tuning him out, as lets face it, I've taken this stuff for a long time,.........I know what I'm doing. I mean how hard can it be to be a pharmacist; the doctor gives you a note, you give it to them, they tell you "it will be about half an hour", then, they give you the stuff, you pay and then leave. But somewhere during me tuning him out, I had a small moment where I heard, "take twice, two times a day"????? What,...so I read the pamphlet they always give you and there it is, I've only been taking half of what I'm supposed to be taking for who knows how long. Well, now that I'm taking what I should, I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening. So I guess the first "R" is READ, read what the instructions say!
  So now that I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening, I took a look at getting on with the second "R" and that is running.; preparing for a run I'm going to do this August. The first thing I wanted was to set a huge unattainable distance for some reason, but this time I thought I'll take it easy and see how the old body reacts ( last time I ran 8km for my first time out, I had to take a couple of days off work and when the Dr. checked me out he told me to give my head a shake as someone at my age doing that could have a heart attack, yeah whatever, what I really need is to get a better second opinion). I grabbed the dog leash and figured I'd get two things done at once. I don't think the dog or me knew what lay ahead as the dog figured it would be an easy Sunday morning walk, but after km 3 Bailey the beagle did not look impressed. It didn't take long either for the dog to figure out that there wasn't going to be any time for doing what dogs do; after about the third dead head of the leash and me outweighing her, she understood the physics of 230 lbs of me vs 15 lbs of her. In total my first run was around 4k, just enough to check out where my running muscles and breathing are at. This is probably one of the first times where I've started off properly and will increase my training not to get hurt and fall back one more time. The dog, didn't fare to well; she laid down for the rest of the day, slept past her supper time and once she was up had a look of "what was that all about?"
   Not sure why I complicate everything, or minimize it, or don't like following directions, but the small progressions once I do are now starting to show, or maybe just maybe, I'm on to something.

Eat,.....you'll feel better......yeah, right

Grandma always said, "Eat this, you'll feel better", "finish up what's on your plate", the crust is the best part and all sorts of old country pioneer tales of proper nutrition, that may have been then, but this is in the now. First part, this has been several weeks of finding that certain foods are starting to not agree with me; I used to be able to inhale whatever was put in front of me and eat until I was full and  then some. As of late the more "processed" whatever I eat is, the more it gives me grief. I've been noticing that anything with a larger amount of creams, butters, oils, fats, baking, etc give me heartburn like I've never had. So I'm having to play around with what will settle and not upset the insides and for the moment there's not a lot of consistency of  what it could be; sometimes I get away with anything and then the next day, I'm looking for an evacuation route. This isn't as bad as the second part; "I've been overeating to the point where it hurts"; you could say I'm on a real good bender, but I'm "drinking food" instead, I know I'm eating beyond what's necessary. I guess in getting down to causes and conditions I have to look at what I'm trying to stuff down at the moment and get it out. There have been moments as of late, where I'm way off the topic of  group conversation, then I blurt out what it is that's on my mind, sometimes it's random, sometimes humorous, sometimes it makes sense, but for right now, I'm overwhelmed, I got to get the stuff out until I figure what really is buried down there. Sometimes I think I'd make a good "Movie of the Week", but for right now I think I'll keep my self entertained and focused with my journey's new twist.