Stove Top Stuffing

Stuffing can be good; with Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey, sometimes even cheating with the out of the box Stove Top can be somewhat enjoyable. For myself, the word really describes very negatively of what I do more than I think is healthy. I "stuff" way to much inside or should I say I hang onto something that eats away at me for days, weeks, months and unfortunately longer. There's been a few good ones swirling around as of late and I had a simple moment of clarity again and thought why am I carrying this around? It really serves no purpose other than to weigh me down, takes over my thoughts and prevents me from appreciating the beauty in the world around me. I had a moment while where I realized "I'm full", if I don't let this stuff go, I'll explode. There's been moments where I've lost my mind over something incredibly simple, but it's not the broken shoelace, the change of the traffic light, something out of place; it's something I've stuffed way down inside and it's trying to get out and as with most pressure release valves, they aren't designed to slowly purge the system pressure, they're designed to release immediately until a safe operating pressure is restored (that can be scary when it's in human form). Coming across a situation this week where I needed to say what I needed to say, I was at my enough point and there was no room to "stuff" it anymore, with the "I can't predict the outcome, but I'll accept it" understanding, I had to let it go........Today was a much freer day all around as I caught myself not being obsessed, not having a ton of useless swirling thoughts, my insides weren't all tied up, I just appreciated what the day had to give. There's more to let go of, but that will come in time. Robert.

R and R

It's not what you think. I've really been struggling with getting "my air" as of late and when I picked up my medications the pharmacist went through the ordeal of blah, blah, blah, take this, do this and in my mind I'm tuning him out, as lets face it, I've taken this stuff for a long time,.........I know what I'm doing. I mean how hard can it be to be a pharmacist; the doctor gives you a note, you give it to them, they tell you "it will be about half an hour", then, they give you the stuff, you pay and then leave. But somewhere during me tuning him out, I had a small moment where I heard, "take twice, two times a day"????? What,...so I read the pamphlet they always give you and there it is, I've only been taking half of what I'm supposed to be taking for who knows how long. Well, now that I'm taking what I should, I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening. So I guess the first "R" is READ, read what the instructions say!
  So now that I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening, I took a look at getting on with the second "R" and that is running.; preparing for a run I'm going to do this August. The first thing I wanted was to set a huge unattainable distance for some reason, but this time I thought I'll take it easy and see how the old body reacts ( last time I ran 8km for my first time out, I had to take a couple of days off work and when the Dr. checked me out he told me to give my head a shake as someone at my age doing that could have a heart attack, yeah whatever, what I really need is to get a better second opinion). I grabbed the dog leash and figured I'd get two things done at once. I don't think the dog or me knew what lay ahead as the dog figured it would be an easy Sunday morning walk, but after km 3 Bailey the beagle did not look impressed. It didn't take long either for the dog to figure out that there wasn't going to be any time for doing what dogs do; after about the third dead head of the leash and me outweighing her, she understood the physics of 230 lbs of me vs 15 lbs of her. In total my first run was around 4k, just enough to check out where my running muscles and breathing are at. This is probably one of the first times where I've started off properly and will increase my training not to get hurt and fall back one more time. The dog, didn't fare to well; she laid down for the rest of the day, slept past her supper time and once she was up had a look of "what was that all about?"
   Not sure why I complicate everything, or minimize it, or don't like following directions, but the small progressions once I do are now starting to show, or maybe just maybe, I'm on to something.

Eat,.....you'll feel better......yeah, right

Grandma always said, "Eat this, you'll feel better", "finish up what's on your plate", the crust is the best part and all sorts of old country pioneer tales of proper nutrition, that may have been then, but this is in the now. First part, this has been several weeks of finding that certain foods are starting to not agree with me; I used to be able to inhale whatever was put in front of me and eat until I was full and  then some. As of late the more "processed" whatever I eat is, the more it gives me grief. I've been noticing that anything with a larger amount of creams, butters, oils, fats, baking, etc give me heartburn like I've never had. So I'm having to play around with what will settle and not upset the insides and for the moment there's not a lot of consistency of  what it could be; sometimes I get away with anything and then the next day, I'm looking for an evacuation route. This isn't as bad as the second part; "I've been overeating to the point where it hurts"; you could say I'm on a real good bender, but I'm "drinking food" instead, I know I'm eating beyond what's necessary. I guess in getting down to causes and conditions I have to look at what I'm trying to stuff down at the moment and get it out. There have been moments as of late, where I'm way off the topic of  group conversation, then I blurt out what it is that's on my mind, sometimes it's random, sometimes humorous, sometimes it makes sense, but for right now, I'm overwhelmed, I got to get the stuff out until I figure what really is buried down there. Sometimes I think I'd make a good "Movie of the Week", but for right now I think I'll keep my self entertained and focused with my journey's new twist.

Not much of anything, but lots of little

This was a week of rest and unrest. I found myself resting whenever I could or should I say when I simply just had to. As much as I fought the self imposed guilt somedays going to bed as soon as I made it into my hotel room after work, I found it was something I needed the most (and lets face it I couldn't stay awake anyway). There was also the passing of two friends; one of those "Mom's" from way back when, that lived on my street who instilled in us neighbourhood kids "a conscience" who had lived a full life and had persevered through life's joys and hardships and the other was someone way, way to many years younger than me, who had never done anyone or anything wrong as far as I could see and I felt life simply ripped him off with thoughts of "that just isn't fair". But I think this wasn't a week where I felt very connected to my prayers, meditations or asking for guidance. At one stage of my life my prayers were usually triggered by red and blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror and more times than not, it was followed by "whew" instead of an "amen". I managed to plan the finish my work out of town ;) so that I could be back for Fridays class and especially Saturdays Tai Chi and fitness which are my reconnection classes which brought me back to my ground zero or should I say "my moving meditations" that calm me down and help me refocus. Now for most normal folks, gasping for breath, dripping with sweat at the end of a class and gauging by the stiffness and pain of the following day isn't what you might consider normal, but it works for me as I'm able to say I gave it my best; for me this is the way I reconnect. I think all things combined , throughout the thoughts and events I'm able to appreciate things more than I did before and as they happen. Robert.

Not too energetic this week

This week was one of no energy, lots of intentions but no enthusiasm. I'm not sure what went on this week, but I had no energy, no spark, so it had to be turned into a lesson of  "press on, push through". Not sure if it was a bug or a cold but I could have rolled up at any time throughout my day and went to sleep. I managed to separate that it wasn't injuries and although I wasn't as flexible or elastic as I wanted to be, I just used what strength I had to push through; pushups and sit ups were straight mechanical. Finishing the week with a Tai Chi warm up then going past my comfort zone in fitness class is always the week ending highlight, but this week it just wasn't there; coming off the mats, soaked with sweat, followed with a full uniform change, it was so worth it, but the enthusiasm just wasn't there. So I guess this week was one of small lessons about not falling behind by sitting on the sidelines justifying that it was worse than it was. Robert.

Slowing down the pendulum swings

I too often "live in the moment", sometimes this can be a good thing, but most times like anything that can't be maintained, you don't get what you pay for or perhaps you don't understand the cost until later. Blogging I understand, should about the journey, but I've been reserved in how much I share; looking back at times in my life when the alligators have ripped off my ass and are ready to drag me under for the death roll, if you were to ask me how I am, I could give you a smile, a story, make you laugh, deep down some really shallow stuff, in all reality I'm not sure who I'm trying to (B.S.) convince, you or me. For instance, working out of town has its benefits, especially come payday as your take home pay is always more than doubled and who doesn't like that, but when you look at the "cost" of what it took, it's not really a great payday. Here's the catch; when I'm out of town my mind tells me this is great, do more, think of all the things you can do and have done with the extra money, the heck with everything else that stands in the way of  pounding in the hours. When I'm back home and back in training; "Hey, this is the real deal, forget about work, jump right in with both feet", then realize I'm in my all or nothing thinking here as well. At this stage of my life I want to travel and when I jump on my motorcycle, I envision heading off to the east coast, the Florida Keys, Panama, Alaska, when all I'm really doing is going for groceries. So this part of my journey is to finally face this nemesis that has plagued me for so long; "All or nothing", there will always be work; but how much is enough, there must be a plan at this stage of my training and is the plan real, does it have balance, trip destinations; they will always be there, but most important of all is I don't have to try to do everything at once, all right now and most of all  to stop trying to create an illusion that it's all good while thinking I'm impressing someone. Or, perhaps an old saying comes to mind, "What people think of you is none of your business". Time to move on, even though I've fallen slightly behind, get back to following the plan.
Push ups 1360 (8773)
Sit ups 925 (4705)
Sparring 25 min. (85)
gym 2
Forms 6 (73)
Horse Stance 2 min.
Walk/bike/hike 32 km (73 km)

Continuing on

Not much happening this week, other than I made a conscious effort to enjoy every day as much as possible. I woke up earlier in the week and felt somewhat cranky, looked in the mirror and decided I was going to either be miserable all day or do the best I could to make this day and the week enjoyable. I made an effort to be kind and considerate of others around me and it took a lot less effort to enjoy the week than to be focused on all the negativity I can dig out of my subconscious; something as complimenting "my Barista" on being there that early in the morning to give me a coffee . I went out on Saturday date night and  instead of throwing on jeans and a t-shirt I thought, "wait a second, this is a special night" and duded myself up in my best jeans, a new shirt as this is a special time. There's all those old sayings about saving the special dishes, dressing up for the occasion and waiting for reasons that are special to dude yourself up, but the heck with it, it was a special day.......I started out in the Lil Leopards class and when my little compadre ran across the Kwoon and grabbed my finger to do the run around warm up; it was special, all the money in the world can't buy that moment. Continuing on with the morning I was pushed to my limits in "fitness class" and wow, seeing where I'm at and how close of where I need to be, looking at what I need to fix on my sit-ups, really enlightened my day! In open training, Mr. Fuhr and I gabbed a little, analyzed a lot, talked some big people stuff, trained somewhat and were reprimanded by Ms. Fuhr for talking too much (nothing like being owned by 12 year old) and checked out what we needed to fix after we videoed our forms. I took myself out for a light lunch, caught up on some reading and finished off by making pasta from scratch for supper. I guess it's all about being appreciative of what I have in life; I may not have the most money, the fanciest house or car but I think I'm pretty lucky; my body works (the aches and pains are from activities people my kids age should be doing, but "I'm" doing them), I have dreams and goals, I'm no better than or less than, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right track and the most random comments affirm that as if they're just being said to me,.....I'm just ok, the bad I believe has happened so I can appreciate the good. Sure there are going to be dark moments that will come up in the future, but for now this week has been ok.

Push-ups 1205 (7413)
Sit-ups 685 (3780)
Forms 12 (67)
Horse Stance 2:30
Gym 1 (8)
Sparring 25 (60)
Bike/run/walk 12k (41.6)