yo.

Coming up for air

I've been having trouble with getting my air in and any type of cardio as well; I came from running a huge race in August to now, not being able to make it up a flight of stairs without having to stop and catch my breath. I took a look back at what could be different since August until now; diet, types of food?, then by coincidence my bulk supply of Advil rolled out of my training bag.........Hmmmmm, it was around the same time I started pushing myself that I started on what I thought was keeping in check my strain and pain management program by using Ibuprofin and wondered if this might have something to do with it. I did a lot of reading and research and in a certain percentage of athsmatics Ibuprofen mixed with certain drugs for treating asthma can have dire and sometimes fatal consequences. I stopped taking Ibuprofin and my aches and pains came back but so did my ability to breathe; last Saturdays fitness class was the first time in months that I made it through in a style that was reminiscent of my previous ability. I'll have to see how it goes over the next while, but I also did the chest x-ray, am going for the full meal deal of tests and have an upcoming Dr. appointment just to be sure. Second, coincidently during this search I also started to look at the amount of sugar in my diet and I'm finding it alarming at how much sugar supposedly some healthy marketed foods have in them. So we'll see where this all goes, but hopefully I've found what ail's me.

Things seem to be coming back

I guess I had this idea about ramping up my training, diet and lifestyle a while back and unfortunately it ended up tanking me instead of reaping any benefits; so, I figured I'd go back to where I was and what I was doing before as it's got me this far and in all reality, it wasn't and wouldn't be sustainable. My weight drop has stabilized and although I have settled into a weight that I'm not happy with, at least I can work with it from here; I guess it will be finding that healthy desirable balance that will be a daily inspiration to continue with as time goes on. On the mental front, I have been focusing so much on a "deadline day" that I forgot to focus on "the now, the after and the continuation" of what life will bring as I continue. "My temper" is still on active duty and ready to be unleashed at those certain trigger moments; for example; I did about a 3K run to pick up my car from the body shop one morning and when I walked in the door the "Chicklet girl" behind the counter asked me if  "I was ok"? Sure I was sweating and somewhat catching my breath, but that question took me to instant asshole status level 10 and I couldn't let it go at that (Chicklet girls are the ones that if you grab their neck and shake them they'd probably sound like a box of Chicklets). Grrrrrrr, WELL, I'll have you know, "I did a leg of the Death Race in August and at this time I'm preparing to challenge a Black Belt test plus after this transaction I'm off to the gym,..... the blank stare response was probably a result of her being so impressed by all that, .....yeah,.... I hate it when I fail those random serenity tests. I guess in all reality I'm just running through a lot of fears and uncertainty of the future.

Not going as per planned

I took an extended holiday from work and was going to get into better shape, hit the gym on a regular basis, catch up on things, clear up all my outstanding chores, refine my forms, dieting and workouts, attend as many classes as possible, review my curriculum, but things aren't going as I'd hoped. I stepped on the scale and I've lost 14 lbs in 5 weeks,........this is not what I'd set out to do. For most people struggling with their weight this might be a blessing but for me I'm at the opposite end of the scale; "losing weight for me is a dangerous, slippery slope to be on". I understand the struggle with being overweight (whatever our advertisers/marketers or social media types say that to be), but I'm from the other end of the scale of always trying to stay away from being "underweight"; I eat until it hurts, I fill up before bed and wake up at 3am and have to have a snack, I'm 3 lbs from as I call it my "danger weight", where as soon as I hit 215 my weight can spiral down out of control and it stops where it stops and all I can do is sometimes say, "c'mon God, not fair"!!! The side effects of this are starting to appear, the loss of appetite, my fuse is a little shorter, refocusing takes a bit to notice, even though I don't seem to concerned; I can do 40 pushups in a row, I used to do 60, I can do 30 sit ups in a row; I used to do 50, I have a regular weight routine at the gym; I'm struggling with the endurance there as well, but on a positive note; the yard looks immaculate, the bikes and vehicles are washed and serviced, the house is ready for a "Better Homes and Gardens" inspection, but in all reality, if I'm caught up on all of this I'm usually doing too much. So, what to do? I guess this is one of those times where the adventure and learning begins when the plan changes and do what you have to do to get everything back on track.

Catching up and clearing up

This past few weeks has been about catching up on all the things I have put off since who knows when. There are those time and temperature sensitive items that have to be done at this time of the year, there are things that I simply chose to put off when I had the time, house repairs, vehicle/motorcycle maintenance, Doctor, professional appointments; but if I dig deep enough, most of it comes down to one of my character defects of "procrastination". When I set a small something aside that needed to be done right now, "it", after a time starts to weigh on my mind and take away my focus. For some people, I guess they can have a "to do" list and they get things done on a regular basis, but for me it clouds my thoughts and sets a spiral of misguided thoughts and gets me into an agitated state that make the undone chores seem like mountains vs. what they really are, "just things that need to be done".  So this past while I've had to have those conscious conversations with myself, keeping on top of my head saying "I'll get to it later", to "get this done now, you have the time, because really, you don't have the time"! So in-between training, planning the elimination of my outstanding responsibilities, my list is getting smaller and smaller, the tension is starting to dissipate, as for me, "time management" is hard work, but I really like the feeling of getting caught up and being somewhat more relaxed and functioning smoothly.

wow, Wow and WOW!

It's been a week of observation that raises the bar on a lot of things. The first "wow" was being a part of the World Triathlon Finals Motorcycle support crew and not really realizing the magnitude of what the event stood for and what I had become involved in. Being on the actual racetrack, marshalling the judges, keeping the track safe and supervised was a larger event that I had expected, but having such a hands on first time learning experience as this, all I could say was, "wow"! Continuing on with the Triathlon; doing the pre ride with the "Para" athletes, people who have lost the use of certain functions of their lower limbs and bodies. Seeing people propel themselves competitively in specialized wheelchairs, paracycles, hand cycles, visually impaired tandem cyclists was inspiring beyond words. As we passed through traffic inspecting the course, people observing those who had overcome unimaginable obstacles were welling up with tears, looking into their vehicles, I could see they were saying "Wow" as well! The third WOW came unexpectedly on a simple hiking trail......We were walking along doing the tourist thing and an older couple was taking pictures of each other at a popular viewpoint, we asked if they wanted a couple picture taken and they were ok with it. But what rattled me or should I say made me take a look at my "man card" was when we took the picture, he looked at his wife, not the camera, it was the most purely romantic, honest look I have ever seen from one person to another, WOW! All things combined, these three things made me look at doing the best I can with something new, looking at what and where my inspiration is as I overcome obstacles and will I become as great as some of the men that are put in my path? It's been a good week.

Just coming up blank right now.......

I'm looking for something inspiring to blog about, but I'm coming up blank for the day and have been for the week. I'm getting all my work related jobs finished before Tuesday and my boss is trying to cram in everything he can, as if I'm "employee of the month" and have no other plans, but come Tuesday, I'm gone! I'm taking my ten weeks of holidays. I'm gone, I'm taking the time, I'm jumping on the bike, taking in a 4 day motorcycle travellers meeting in Nakusp B.C.; I've signed up for volunteer positions while I'm there, because there's something about giving back that inspires me; then once I'm back I'm volunteering by marshalling dignitaries on my motorcycle in a triathlon, then it'll be nothing but eat and train. This might not seem like a lot of excitement for having this amount of time off, but this is for me. I already see myself in the mountains doing my forms, requirements, studying my curriculum.  I have the pedal bike ready for when I'm back, to go from home, to the kwoon and the gym and nothing else. I think I'm going to enjoy this. Robert.

I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!!
It seemed like a good idea at the time: one of my I ho Chuan goals was to run in the "Canadian Death Race". 
The 2nd of August came before I knew it as with all that is seemingly on my plate I found very little time to train.
I ran 2 km. in May, then,
I ran 2 km around the Kwoon in June, then,
I ran 2 km last weekend at our Kung Fu "Boot Camp", then,
I did 38 km the Saturday night up and over Mt. Hamel in "The Hamel Assault".
As of Sunday and Monday there wasn't a muscle, tendon, joint or connecting part in my legs (and attachments) that isn't hurting, swollen, rubbed raw, bruised in some way, but I did it. I did it for all the people who believed in me, I did it for my team mates, I did it for our team Captain who's dreams to cross the finish line were larger than mine, somehow I did it; my goal was to finish, not to beat any record time or place; I ran forwards, when it hurt to much to do that, I ran backwards, sideways, power walked, did the "Fox Trot" (made famous by Terry Fox), but I did not stop or give up! The mountain was nothing, the real obstacle was in my head, telling me I couldn't do it. I'll be back. Words can't describe what an incredible group of people I spent the weekend with. I have to wonder though, running 6 km over three months and hurting the way I do, I'm hoping I didn't over train.

Now for something a little different

I struggle with reading, I have little trouble with the comprehension of what I've just read but, I can read something, follow along with great interest, understanding and anticipation of what's next, then if there's any interruption or distraction, I have to start all over again as I can't refocus sometimes on where the heck I was. It's sometimes funny, tragic, frustrating, but at the same time, reading the same book a year later saves me a lot of money in the long run. Part of my I Ho Chuan goals is to volunteer at the Remand Centre; it does have its interesting moments and guests, but I'm there to lend a hand, carry my experiences, past and present and not try to pass judgement as that's not part of my journey. I found myself in the volunteer section one night and during visitation I was asked to read from a collectively agreed upon book and to read a few chapters from it. Well, off we went, me reading, them listening, and in the end it was a success; reading to a group of incarcerated men, some who can't read at all, me, self conscious about my nemesis and after the night went way beyond our allotted time, there was this moment somewhere along the drive home, the most calming and grateful, "whew", I've felt in a long while. Robert

Last weeks blog that never made it through

I had a severe case of the "fu** it's" this last little while and was wondering what it is all for, does anyone but us care, does anyone really notice, who are we really trying to impress with all these push ups and sit ups and on and on. When you're in that mindset there's not a lot of positive thoughts or actions that can come out of it and when you're in it sometimes it's hard to see the negativity you're feeding off of. Then, having that perfect moment and that perfect opening in your brain, I'm not sure of all the details (and my ego would take off with it if I did know, which for me wouldn't be good) it was mentioned that there was a someone that has been watching the push ups and the sit ups we do in class and it has inspired that person to get into their own fitness regimen as a result of  what they have seen in us. It was the jolt that I needed to get out of myself, to get refocused and practice what I have preached many times, "that this isn't for us, it's for someone who is attracted to what we do and wants to take part in the journey". It made sense, got me back on track and I didn't get into any trouble that I had to make amends for during this time of being lost (behind enemy lines) in my own mind. Robert.

Crunching time

This past two weeks has been cramming for everything; from a busy work schedule, trying as well to get in all my classes, yard work( tis the season), outstanding errands, vehicle repairs, reviewingmy curriculum, emergency call outs,    .......it seems when you get some control on one or complete a chore another one is staring you in the face. The past couple of weeks though it seems as if I'm flailing, trying to get an upper hand on at least one thing before I'm overwhelmed with the next. I guess it comes down to getting done what I can, when I can. There has been some great things that have happened this past while as well, but I'm off to class for the moment.

Hmmmm, lets think about this for a second

I sometimes think the largest obstacle in my path is me combined with the thought of success. I knew I wasn't going to make it this far in my training,....ever,..... and now here I am. I think I've tried to sabotage my growth as the anticipation, the fear and the realization that this next step can happen and can happen to of all people, "me"! I have this one thought pattern or negative self talk voice that has kept saying, "this is for them, those people, you'll never attain what they have and yet here I still am. It's kind of scary, but there are so many people around me that have and are still believing in me that I figure I should start believing in myself. Lets just keep this between us and don't tell anyone, I don't want anyone to know. Well, I'm off, lets see what the week has to offer, Robert.

Stove Top Stuffing

Stuffing can be good; with Thanksgiving or Christmas turkey, sometimes even cheating with the out of the box Stove Top can be somewhat enjoyable. For myself, the word really describes very negatively of what I do more than I think is healthy. I "stuff" way to much inside or should I say I hang onto something that eats away at me for days, weeks, months and unfortunately longer. There's been a few good ones swirling around as of late and I had a simple moment of clarity again and thought why am I carrying this around? It really serves no purpose other than to weigh me down, takes over my thoughts and prevents me from appreciating the beauty in the world around me. I had a moment while where I realized "I'm full", if I don't let this stuff go, I'll explode. There's been moments where I've lost my mind over something incredibly simple, but it's not the broken shoelace, the change of the traffic light, something out of place; it's something I've stuffed way down inside and it's trying to get out and as with most pressure release valves, they aren't designed to slowly purge the system pressure, they're designed to release immediately until a safe operating pressure is restored (that can be scary when it's in human form). Coming across a situation this week where I needed to say what I needed to say, I was at my enough point and there was no room to "stuff" it anymore, with the "I can't predict the outcome, but I'll accept it" understanding, I had to let it go........Today was a much freer day all around as I caught myself not being obsessed, not having a ton of useless swirling thoughts, my insides weren't all tied up, I just appreciated what the day had to give. There's more to let go of, but that will come in time. Robert.

R and R

It's not what you think. I've really been struggling with getting "my air" as of late and when I picked up my medications the pharmacist went through the ordeal of blah, blah, blah, take this, do this and in my mind I'm tuning him out, as lets face it, I've taken this stuff for a long time,.........I know what I'm doing. I mean how hard can it be to be a pharmacist; the doctor gives you a note, you give it to them, they tell you "it will be about half an hour", then, they give you the stuff, you pay and then leave. But somewhere during me tuning him out, I had a small moment where I heard, "take twice, two times a day"????? What,...so I read the pamphlet they always give you and there it is, I've only been taking half of what I'm supposed to be taking for who knows how long. Well, now that I'm taking what I should, I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening. So I guess the first "R" is READ, read what the instructions say!
  So now that I'm getting a whole lot more air flow happening, I took a look at getting on with the second "R" and that is running.; preparing for a run I'm going to do this August. The first thing I wanted was to set a huge unattainable distance for some reason, but this time I thought I'll take it easy and see how the old body reacts ( last time I ran 8km for my first time out, I had to take a couple of days off work and when the Dr. checked me out he told me to give my head a shake as someone at my age doing that could have a heart attack, yeah whatever, what I really need is to get a better second opinion). I grabbed the dog leash and figured I'd get two things done at once. I don't think the dog or me knew what lay ahead as the dog figured it would be an easy Sunday morning walk, but after km 3 Bailey the beagle did not look impressed. It didn't take long either for the dog to figure out that there wasn't going to be any time for doing what dogs do; after about the third dead head of the leash and me outweighing her, she understood the physics of 230 lbs of me vs 15 lbs of her. In total my first run was around 4k, just enough to check out where my running muscles and breathing are at. This is probably one of the first times where I've started off properly and will increase my training not to get hurt and fall back one more time. The dog, didn't fare to well; she laid down for the rest of the day, slept past her supper time and once she was up had a look of "what was that all about?"
   Not sure why I complicate everything, or minimize it, or don't like following directions, but the small progressions once I do are now starting to show, or maybe just maybe, I'm on to something.

Eat,.....you'll feel better......yeah, right

Grandma always said, "Eat this, you'll feel better", "finish up what's on your plate", the crust is the best part and all sorts of old country pioneer tales of proper nutrition, that may have been then, but this is in the now. First part, this has been several weeks of finding that certain foods are starting to not agree with me; I used to be able to inhale whatever was put in front of me and eat until I was full and  then some. As of late the more "processed" whatever I eat is, the more it gives me grief. I've been noticing that anything with a larger amount of creams, butters, oils, fats, baking, etc give me heartburn like I've never had. So I'm having to play around with what will settle and not upset the insides and for the moment there's not a lot of consistency of  what it could be; sometimes I get away with anything and then the next day, I'm looking for an evacuation route. This isn't as bad as the second part; "I've been overeating to the point where it hurts"; you could say I'm on a real good bender, but I'm "drinking food" instead, I know I'm eating beyond what's necessary. I guess in getting down to causes and conditions I have to look at what I'm trying to stuff down at the moment and get it out. There have been moments as of late, where I'm way off the topic of  group conversation, then I blurt out what it is that's on my mind, sometimes it's random, sometimes humorous, sometimes it makes sense, but for right now, I'm overwhelmed, I got to get the stuff out until I figure what really is buried down there. Sometimes I think I'd make a good "Movie of the Week", but for right now I think I'll keep my self entertained and focused with my journey's new twist.

Not much of anything, but lots of little

This was a week of rest and unrest. I found myself resting whenever I could or should I say when I simply just had to. As much as I fought the self imposed guilt somedays going to bed as soon as I made it into my hotel room after work, I found it was something I needed the most (and lets face it I couldn't stay awake anyway). There was also the passing of two friends; one of those "Mom's" from way back when, that lived on my street who instilled in us neighbourhood kids "a conscience" who had lived a full life and had persevered through life's joys and hardships and the other was someone way, way to many years younger than me, who had never done anyone or anything wrong as far as I could see and I felt life simply ripped him off with thoughts of "that just isn't fair". But I think this wasn't a week where I felt very connected to my prayers, meditations or asking for guidance. At one stage of my life my prayers were usually triggered by red and blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror and more times than not, it was followed by "whew" instead of an "amen". I managed to plan the finish my work out of town ;) so that I could be back for Fridays class and especially Saturdays Tai Chi and fitness which are my reconnection classes which brought me back to my ground zero or should I say "my moving meditations" that calm me down and help me refocus. Now for most normal folks, gasping for breath, dripping with sweat at the end of a class and gauging by the stiffness and pain of the following day isn't what you might consider normal, but it works for me as I'm able to say I gave it my best; for me this is the way I reconnect. I think all things combined , throughout the thoughts and events I'm able to appreciate things more than I did before and as they happen. Robert.

Not too energetic this week

This week was one of no energy, lots of intentions but no enthusiasm. I'm not sure what went on this week, but I had no energy, no spark, so it had to be turned into a lesson of  "press on, push through". Not sure if it was a bug or a cold but I could have rolled up at any time throughout my day and went to sleep. I managed to separate that it wasn't injuries and although I wasn't as flexible or elastic as I wanted to be, I just used what strength I had to push through; pushups and sit ups were straight mechanical. Finishing the week with a Tai Chi warm up then going past my comfort zone in fitness class is always the week ending highlight, but this week it just wasn't there; coming off the mats, soaked with sweat, followed with a full uniform change, it was so worth it, but the enthusiasm just wasn't there. So I guess this week was one of small lessons about not falling behind by sitting on the sidelines justifying that it was worse than it was. Robert.

Slowing down the pendulum swings

I too often "live in the moment", sometimes this can be a good thing, but most times like anything that can't be maintained, you don't get what you pay for or perhaps you don't understand the cost until later. Blogging I understand, should about the journey, but I've been reserved in how much I share; looking back at times in my life when the alligators have ripped off my ass and are ready to drag me under for the death roll, if you were to ask me how I am, I could give you a smile, a story, make you laugh, deep down some really shallow stuff, in all reality I'm not sure who I'm trying to (B.S.) convince, you or me. For instance, working out of town has its benefits, especially come payday as your take home pay is always more than doubled and who doesn't like that, but when you look at the "cost" of what it took, it's not really a great payday. Here's the catch; when I'm out of town my mind tells me this is great, do more, think of all the things you can do and have done with the extra money, the heck with everything else that stands in the way of  pounding in the hours. When I'm back home and back in training; "Hey, this is the real deal, forget about work, jump right in with both feet", then realize I'm in my all or nothing thinking here as well. At this stage of my life I want to travel and when I jump on my motorcycle, I envision heading off to the east coast, the Florida Keys, Panama, Alaska, when all I'm really doing is going for groceries. So this part of my journey is to finally face this nemesis that has plagued me for so long; "All or nothing", there will always be work; but how much is enough, there must be a plan at this stage of my training and is the plan real, does it have balance, trip destinations; they will always be there, but most important of all is I don't have to try to do everything at once, all right now and most of all  to stop trying to create an illusion that it's all good while thinking I'm impressing someone. Or, perhaps an old saying comes to mind, "What people think of you is none of your business". Time to move on, even though I've fallen slightly behind, get back to following the plan.
Push ups 1360 (8773)
Sit ups 925 (4705)
Sparring 25 min. (85)
gym 2
Forms 6 (73)
Horse Stance 2 min.
Walk/bike/hike 32 km (73 km)

Continuing on

Not much happening this week, other than I made a conscious effort to enjoy every day as much as possible. I woke up earlier in the week and felt somewhat cranky, looked in the mirror and decided I was going to either be miserable all day or do the best I could to make this day and the week enjoyable. I made an effort to be kind and considerate of others around me and it took a lot less effort to enjoy the week than to be focused on all the negativity I can dig out of my subconscious; something as complimenting "my Barista" on being there that early in the morning to give me a coffee . I went out on Saturday date night and  instead of throwing on jeans and a t-shirt I thought, "wait a second, this is a special night" and duded myself up in my best jeans, a new shirt as this is a special time. There's all those old sayings about saving the special dishes, dressing up for the occasion and waiting for reasons that are special to dude yourself up, but the heck with it, it was a special day.......I started out in the Lil Leopards class and when my little compadre ran across the Kwoon and grabbed my finger to do the run around warm up; it was special, all the money in the world can't buy that moment. Continuing on with the morning I was pushed to my limits in "fitness class" and wow, seeing where I'm at and how close of where I need to be, looking at what I need to fix on my sit-ups, really enlightened my day! In open training, Mr. Fuhr and I gabbed a little, analyzed a lot, talked some big people stuff, trained somewhat and were reprimanded by Ms. Fuhr for talking too much (nothing like being owned by 12 year old) and checked out what we needed to fix after we videoed our forms. I took myself out for a light lunch, caught up on some reading and finished off by making pasta from scratch for supper. I guess it's all about being appreciative of what I have in life; I may not have the most money, the fanciest house or car but I think I'm pretty lucky; my body works (the aches and pains are from activities people my kids age should be doing, but "I'm" doing them), I have dreams and goals, I'm no better than or less than, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right track and the most random comments affirm that as if they're just being said to me,.....I'm just ok, the bad I believe has happened so I can appreciate the good. Sure there are going to be dark moments that will come up in the future, but for now this week has been ok.

Push-ups 1205 (7413)
Sit-ups 685 (3780)
Forms 12 (67)
Horse Stance 2:30
Gym 1 (8)
Sparring 25 (60)
Bike/run/walk 12k (41.6)

Holiday Hangover

Ever try do anything with a  hangover? I just got back from 10 days away, yet a well needed break just the same. It's good to be back to familiarity again and yet see how quickly one's training has slipped while trying to get back into focus again. I made it a point everyday to do pushups and sit-ups, but there were some days I let my numbers fall behind. Taking time out for my requirements seemed to always draw a crowd; the guy from smokers row on the beach commenting on what a great way to finish the day; doing Tai Chi, forms and 100 push-ups (I asked him to join me next time, he declined), I didn't realize anyone was watching! The unimpressed customs official who asked me why I needed a cane when I  hurdled over the walkways instead of walking back and forth like everyone else did; I explained I was trying to stay "in character" for some training I am doing and wanted to always have my cane with me and although I can be quite charming in the right circumstances, he wasn't having any of it. It was explained to me very sternly to go back and recheck it, as in "their" country these are the rules and it wasn't going on the plane with me. I thought about a good rebuttal, except, he had a gun and I had a cane. I did find time to review my curriculum, make notes and get through several chapters of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and for some reason this year, I'm able get into the book and grasp what I'm reading instead of wasting the energy I was using before to hold up the plane, keep an eye on the wings, engines, fuselage, judging the crew, figuring out who might be a terrorist or should I just say my fear of  flying wasn't there and I was just simply more relaxed. Finding open areas in the airports, school yards, the jungle and the like always afforded some workout time but it wasn't the same as being back home. Now being back, referring to a hangover analogy; things are still somewhat disoriented, trying to review the past 10 days events, I'm not really grounded yet, and thinking did I do some of the things that are now a memory and sure enough I did except for this time they're all good. This blog might not seem to be a serious reflection of where my journey is going but it gave me some time so get myself ready to go, to get, to grasp, to reach out, to execute the ever-changing upcoming plan for this year. During my "alone time" on the beach, in the jungle, hiking etc. I took a look at all the distractions pulling me away from my direction, but they will always be there, but I can deal with them when the time comes. Robert.

Push-ups 1075 (6208)
Sit-ups 325 (3095)
Forms 6 (55)
Horse stance 1:30
Gym 0 (7)
Sparring (Does verbal count?)  (35 min)
Walk/run/bike 17.6k (29.6k)